Thursday, November 5, 2015

Balang Araw: What to say when victimized by the Laglag Bala Gang

Yes, I know this is something serious but c'mon government officials, we're now the laughing stock of the world once again!

This WILL happen to all of us. They will find a way to get us.

Hence, Balang Araw.

So here, let's add to the jokes.

Here are things to say when "caught" with a bullet (one freakin' bullet, how is that even possible?!) inside your bag:

1. Tell them you're John Rambo and you have a mission in Afghanistan.
Go to the airport with matching torn sleeveless shirt and bandana on the head. Tie the bandana at the exact time the officer tells you they found a bullet inside your bag.

2. "Spratlys, here I come!"
Tell them you're part of a group headed to Spratlys to reclaim from China what is ours.

3. Tell the arresting officer the bullet was a gift from his momma after a fun night last night.
Be prepared to run too.

4. Confuse them with hashtags.
"Sir, this is #bullshit! That is not part of my #OOTD, excuse me! But if I am guilty then I am #sorrynotsorry. #justsaying #blessed

5. Take a selfie with the arresting officer then send to the Top Gear Facebook Page.
They shame you in the airport, you shame them online.

6. Take out the water gun from your back and tell them that's just a water bullet.
They MIGHT believe you, you know. Knowing how intelligent they are.

7. Tell them it's actually cocaine hidden inside the bullet.
They will surely let you go through without a hitch.

8. "School Project lang po."
This worked for all your other guerilla projects so why not in this situation, right?

9. Repeat everything the officer says until he gets annoyed.
Use "bal" or "period, no erase" too for good measure.

10. Isumbong mo kay Tulfo.
At kay Claudine Barretto.

11. "Isang bala ka lang."
This just feels good to say to anyone!

12. Distract them with something else.
Make a bomb joke.

Okay, we're obviously kidding. Don't quote us on this.

13. Deny to death.
If they deny that they planted the bullet then deny that the bag is yours as well.

14. Feign innocence.
Then faint.

They wouldn't know what hit them.

15. Pagusapan ang struggles ng Ginebra.
Malamang Ginebra fan yan.

Ibalik si Jawo. Pucha.

Be prepared. Know what to say.

If they waste your time, waste their time too.

If you reached this point of this blog post, sorry for wasting your time too.