Tuesday, December 15, 2015

#humblebrag

Something horrible happened in Paris. Time to change my Facebook profile picture to when I was in Paris. Good thing it will be just me on my feed since most of my friends haven't been there. #humblebrag

What is a humble brag and why are people sick and tired of it?


There you go.

Supposedly a self-deprecating statement but with the intended purpose of drawing attention to yourself or whatever it is you want people to know you have that most of them don't.

So are you humble or are you a douche then?

So it's sad that you went with your sister to a casting call but she didn't get the job but fortunately for you, you did. Okay, so you're prettier than your sister then. Don't shame her then just so people will see that you're more beautiful than her. This is even worse than doing a #humblebrag. This is just being cruel and insensitive.

Okay, so how do you draw the line between an honest-to-goodness "proud of myself" post and a statement that just calls attention to yourself?

"I don't brag! I just want people to know what I have or what I have achieved!" said the hesitant brag.

That's exactly what you're supposed to do. Just openly tell everyone on your feed what you have and what you might have achieved.

"I just bought a new bike" sounds and looks waaaaay better than "Hello, two wheels!" then a photo of your new bike side by side with your BMW.

Do you really want people to know about your bike? Or about that car your daddy bought for you?

Okay, so you'll be the first ones to watch that new Star Wars flick. Wake up (see what I did here? The Force Awakens, so wake up? No? Didn't get it? Okay, screw you). Nobody cares since they'll watch it too anyway.

You're the best DJ in town now and you have lots of endorsements? Then just be proud of how you got there and just say it out straight. No need to take a photo with upcoming DJ's saying you were once one of them but through hard work you're now where you are but you forgot to mention in your post that you just know the right people and that you can't even DJ at a village fiesta to save your life.

Guys, if you're proud of something in your life, just say it. People will think you're a proud and mayabang son of a bitch but people hate humble brags more, believe me.

"I have a huge pen" is better than "My pen is large but it's not enough to write on your huge wall in your new house."

Get it?

Yeah, fuck the haters, huh? They're just jealous because they don't have this new shoe that was just released and I was one of the five lucky ones to have the first pairs even before they released it to the public. No, they don't envy you. They just can't believe someone as stupid as you was able afford something like that.

Move on, guys. Boasting is not cool anymore. That's so year 2000!

Nobody cares where you've been or what you have. People are just happy for you so no need to subtly brag about something.

If they're not happy for you, then you must really be a horrible person.

The people who matter should know that you worked hard for something so they would understand if you announce it to the world.

Hiding your brag makes it a real brag nowadays. Especially with Facebook highlighting all your possessions and achievements and whatever.

People know if you're a real brag anyway. If that's the case, then it's too late for you.

Again, people don't care about what you have, where you've been or what you achieved anyway. They just hit "like" because they don't have anything better to do.

Life is not about the online "likes". It's about those who like you in the real world.





Pinoy Quarterlife Crisis: The Book

Okay, so I've decided to write a book about this (at least on Wattpad for now). But I need your help.

We need materials. We need your life experiences.

Some chapters are done but we need actual life experiences to complete the book.

So, if you're kind enough, hope you can email me if you experienced quarterlife crisis in your life.

Just tell us what age you experienced it, what triggered it, if any, what did you do when you experienced it and how did you overcome it (if you have already).

No need for your names (you will all remain anonymous), but please include your age and your job.

Kindly email to dinjcons@yahoo.com so we can include you and your experience in the book.

Please, please, please let us know if you ever experienced quarterlife crisis.

Thank you and see you on Wattpad soon!

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Balang Araw: What to say when victimized by the Laglag Bala Gang

Yes, I know this is something serious but c'mon government officials, we're now the laughing stock of the world once again!

This WILL happen to all of us. They will find a way to get us.

Hence, Balang Araw.

So here, let's add to the jokes.

Here are things to say when "caught" with a bullet (one freakin' bullet, how is that even possible?!) inside your bag:

1. Tell them you're John Rambo and you have a mission in Afghanistan.
Go to the airport with matching torn sleeveless shirt and bandana on the head. Tie the bandana at the exact time the officer tells you they found a bullet inside your bag.

2. "Spratlys, here I come!"
Tell them you're part of a group headed to Spratlys to reclaim from China what is ours.

3. Tell the arresting officer the bullet was a gift from his momma after a fun night last night.
Be prepared to run too.

4. Confuse them with hashtags.
"Sir, this is #bullshit! That is not part of my #OOTD, excuse me! But if I am guilty then I am #sorrynotsorry. #justsaying #blessed

5. Take a selfie with the arresting officer then send to the Top Gear Facebook Page.
They shame you in the airport, you shame them online.

6. Take out the water gun from your back and tell them that's just a water bullet.
They MIGHT believe you, you know. Knowing how intelligent they are.

7. Tell them it's actually cocaine hidden inside the bullet.
They will surely let you go through without a hitch.

8. "School Project lang po."
This worked for all your other guerilla projects so why not in this situation, right?

9. Repeat everything the officer says until he gets annoyed.
Use "bal" or "period, no erase" too for good measure.

10. Isumbong mo kay Tulfo.
At kay Claudine Barretto.

11. "Isang bala ka lang."
This just feels good to say to anyone!

12. Distract them with something else.
Make a bomb joke.

Okay, we're obviously kidding. Don't quote us on this.

13. Deny to death.
If they deny that they planted the bullet then deny that the bag is yours as well.

14. Feign innocence.
Then faint.

They wouldn't know what hit them.

15. Pagusapan ang struggles ng Ginebra.
Malamang Ginebra fan yan.

Ibalik si Jawo. Pucha.


Be prepared. Know what to say.

If they waste your time, waste their time too.

If you reached this point of this blog post, sorry for wasting your time too.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Comfort Zones: How comfortable are they, really?

Really? How comfortable are they? (No, people don't care how you pronounce the word "comfortable". Okay, some do.)

Anyway, from someone who spent five years in a job that was not really meant for long-staying or career-driven individuals, then I can be an authority on this topic. 

It wasn't even a stepping stone. It was an unending ladder. An unending ladder to NoWhereVille. 

Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed every single photoshooting minute of that men's magazine adventure I had. Life was so simple then. Pretend to work by punching insignificant keys on your desktop computer (yes, we didn't have laptops then) while planning what to wear at the next party (finally, my net shirt!) and which friends of yours are worthy of inviting. Go on sales calls around the metro to solicit money that will never go to your own bank account. Drive half-asleep and if lucky, half-naked to your lonely room at your parents house. 

Life was so peachy. Give a respectable amount to your parents so they won't hassle you with the question of when you're getting your own place. Treat the household help with some decency so they'll also treat you decently and not like some overstaying child that you really are (I should have made my bed more). Wait for a friend's text to find out where you're hanging out next. Then decide not to go at the last minute because you just spent your last money for parking at last night's event (nope, that wasn't reimbursable). Rot in your bedroom watching reruns of Friends while everyone was actually out with their REAL friends. 

And, the worst part of it all is that you always thought everything was okay. That this was how life was supposed to be. 

You've had the same office mates for the past five years. You knew where to park. You knew exactly that P130 worth of gas would bring you to and from the office. The guards in your building know you so if you didn't have coins, you could borrow a cigarette first then just pay later when you find coins by the passenger seat of your car (thank God for office mates who ride with you and drop some coins from their pockets).

You think to yourself: "This is the life!"

But it really isn't. 

And deep inside, you know it. And no one can save you but yourself. Yup, you'll get tired of getting drunk (yes, the time you went inside the ladies restroom was pretty embarrassing). You might not get tired of bikini fashion shows and those photoshoots but you WILL ask yourself if this is all worth it in the end. Is there something more in this world?

Of course, there is. A lot.

They're all just located outside your comfort zone. 

Everything you've been looking for is there. 

Real recognition. Real accomplishments. Real challenges. The real world. Real fulfillment. 

We searched life for meaning, foor comfort, then we have to abandon this comfortable life, you ask? Well, a comfortable life is very different from a comfort zone.

Suddenly, you'll realize that your current employment can only take care of the regular Monday night beers but not payment for your own apartment. Your salary can survive the annual barkada Boracay trip but not your girlfriend's dream wedding. All of a sudden, shit gets real. 

Nobody can tell you to step out of your comfort zone--especially me. I'm just merely describing how, one Saturday morning, you realize: What am I doing with my life? Why am I stuck here with all this mediocrity? Why the fuck is someone's name tattooed on my back?!

Try stepping out. Meet new friends. Lose some. Be adventurous. Take risks. Do something you've always wanted to do and what you think you're meant to do (no, "liking" photos on Instagram is not a career). No more living off of your parents anymore. 

Get a real job with real responsibilities. Find your passion. Make it happen (only some of you will get this). Why? Because this shit ain't for you. 

Thursday, April 30, 2015

The Young and The Privileged

You do not know everything.

Yup, nobody does.

Some people act like they do. But believe me, they really don't.

So, yes, YOU do not know everything.

I don't know who gave you the impression or the misconception that you can just step into the world then act like you own everybody. But please, stop.

I do not have problems with the youth of today. Actually, I marvel at their creativity, enthusiasm and bravado.

When used wisely.

This post is for the young ones out there and for those who never grew up.

This is for the "millennials" who think that the world owes them everything and act accordingly.

This is for the old ones out there who still think that just because they have a good life, they can preach about it to everyone.

Nope. Sorry. The world, much less the people in this world, does or do not owe you anything.

Do not act as if people will just step aside and accept your "Fuck This" attitude.

Do not hide your ignorance behind that horn-rimmed glasses or that tattoo you decided to get because it seemed profound or "deep" or that it will set you apart from everyone else.

Because you know what, people actually give a fuck. So you should too. And acting like you don't will just piss people off.



Please know that everything in this world is EARNED. Not handed down to us and not picked from guava trees. Yeah, okay, unless you are a politician's son or daughter. Okay, not everyone. Most.

Everything needs to be earned. Worked for. Not inherited. Definitely, not claimed.

Respect is not passed on. You have to prove that you are worth respecting. Otherwise, you shouldn't be respected at all.

Learn to listen. Don't ever, ever, EVER think that you know everything. Because again, you don't. Seriously, man.

Life is about learning. It is not about imposing your will to the world.

It is about finding out that having your heart broken sucks and that recovering from it is another exciting journey in itself.

Live recklessly  and be a know-it-all and you'll be dead by 30. And no one will attend your funeral too.

Remember, being proud is different from being boastful.

It's okay to be proud of your achievements but it is not okay to flaunt them.

No, you cannot have all the girls you want. Look at how you look like first. Done? So stop declaring and thinking that you are God's gift to women. Because you're not.

Yup, no matter how hard you try, that scarf look will never fly. Dude, we're in a Tropical country.

Temper your expectations. And maybe the world will be kinder to you.

I hear people my age now say, "Kids these days..."

First thing that comes to mind upon hearing that --Wow. We're old. Haha.

Are the kids these days too brazen? Too outspoken? Too full of themselves?

Perhaps yes. Perhaps no. You tell me.

But we all belong to different generations.

Maybe people older than us also thought the same way of us.

Of course we will always think that our generation is better than other generations.

But then again, what do I know? I find out what day it is based on my pillbox.